It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything bar one recent article. The reasons for this vary but it’s mainly because I wanted to stop writing about myself (it’s a terribly self-absorbed thing to do after all). I also became quite uninspired by life in general (living in some cities will do that to you). But not much has changed since I last tapped away at my QWERTY keypad–I’m still just as lost as ever– but some things have.
This past year saw me working a plethora of casual jobs and also as a presenter for a Chinese web-series. I went through a breakup, moved to another new city, made some new friends and reconnected with old ones, was an extra in a Paul Hogan film, fell in love, dealt with a minor chronic pain condition and I also spent some time in New Zealand as my parents moved there.
The best word that describes 2018 for me would be disorientated. I think it’s normal to feel this when you go through any major change but usually, it subsides once you get a new routine. It didn’t subside for me though but that’s not so much a bad thing. I’ve found that feelings of discomfort mean that something new is happening inside of you and that you are in fact alive. It’s just highly anxiety-inducing during the process and truth be told, I became quite the fan of walking wine tours as a coping mechanism at one point. More on that another time perhaps.
I wouldn’t say I still feel disorientated but I now have a sense of urgency to figure my life out; to have a career, an identity. Essentially to find my little box in life and be done with the not knowing and relentless change. But the truth is, I’m not built for that or at least not yet. Despite the regular bouts of anxiety that my chosen lifestyle causes me, I also secretly love being untethered and not a somebody. The only time this really bothers me is when I am surrounded by others who seem to have their life figured out. Those that have successfully started their own businesses or have bought houses or are killing it in a career in some cool city abroad. When I look at people like this, I see different versions of the self that I could have been if I wasn’t so damn flighty or so determined to find whatever it is that I am seeking.
I don’t have the answers yet to overcoming uncertainty or finding your way. In fact, I am writing this from my friend’s apartment because I have once again rendered myself houseless for a short while. The only thing I do know is that you have to keep finding North, take a deep breath and walk onwards.
Next stop —–> I’m moving to the desert for a while.