I woke up this morning to a heavy dose of snow fall. I had been drifting in and out of my treasured sleep in (it’s my first sort-of day off in 7 days) after awaking anxiously from a dream where I was rejected on the subway by someone I was in love with. It could have been a repressed bad memory though (I tend to get rejected a lot). As I lay there, watching the clumps of dandruff-like ice accumulate on my windowsill I felt the anxiety from the bad dream build within me and turn into something else. Knowing that I had a lot to do today before my night shift (sort-of day off) I jumped up and scrambled together a sad excuse for an outfit (Guns n Roses t-shirt, jeans with dog hair all over them, oversized cardigan) grabbed my laptop, cleaned my teeth and ran out the door. As I descended the icy-stairs of my shit-box apartment, I watched a woman get out of a car with a suitcase and stroll slowly toward me. The snow seemingly fell in slow motion around her face. She smiled at me (probably because I looked dishevelled as fuck whereas she looked almost ethereal) and walked on, gracefully and without a care in the world.
I knew that look. It was the smug ‘I’m off on an adventure’ or ‘I just arrived in a new and exciting place’ or ‘I’m home for Christmas bitches’ look. That’s when I realised, I’d got so lost in my hectic schedule of trying to make a living in a foreign place by scrubbing piss stains out of toilets and standing in -20 degree weather in a skimpy dress so that I don’t become homeless in the middle of winter, that I’d easily forgotten that I was alive and living. I have been so caught up in the negative things that have happened this year (which aren’t even that bad) and the aforementioned crazy work schedule of trying to survive that I realised, I sometimes forget to live and I also forget about the living I have done.
I remember at the start of this year, I bought a diary that said This Is My Year on it because 2016 was going to be the year that I achieved some things I thought I would never achieve. And you know what, I achieved what I wanted to achieve. I got my degree (yep, haven’t done much with it, but I got it), I got a job as a news director (yep, only lasted a couple of months but who would have thought I could be capable of that sort of job?) I wanted to try stand-up comedy but was repeatedly told I was not funny but I did it anyway and you know what, people laughed and I got second place in a RAW Comedy heat. I also wanted to get published in The Guardian one day but knowing that I’m really not that good of a writer as my writing tends to be scattered and disorganised, I thought that dream would have to go on the back-burner for at least a decade but somehow I got an article published. I wanted to learn a language and whilst my French is appallingly bad, I now understand enough to work in a French speaking city with some people that only speak Spanish and French. And finally, I wanted to move overseas and here I am.
I’m not saying all of this to brag because I have failed a lot this year. I repeatedly have the question, ‘what the hell am I doing?’ swirling around in my head and have never been so afraid in my life. Overall, I have made many mistakes. My indecision and naivety has lost me a lot of money (thousands). I have humiliated myself countless times this year. I’ve probably fucked up my career opportunities. I cried way too much (ask my friend Jenny) and I have denied myself a lot of happiness. Basically, I’m 25 and I do not have a ‘real’ job, no boyfriend/girlfriend to speak of and I’ve forgotten how to dress like a normal human. But, in between scrubbing piss-stained toilets and attempting to route myself in the right direction, I am actually okay with where I am because this moment in time is actually pretty great, in fact, it is perfectly imperfect.
In conclusion my cyber dears, if you have something you’ve always wanted to do, just go and do it. Trust me, there’s no time like the present and if you jump first you’ll grow wings on the way down. Because if you are brave with your life, you’ll be rewarded for it even if it causes you a bit of discomfort in the process.
So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of my loved ones across the globe. I hope the next year brings you even more light, love and most importantly, fun. And remember, never, ever eat soggy wheat-bix.
Liv out for 2016.